How we relate to others is a very important factor in life. Its the bedrock of all relationships whether in business, friendship or romance. If we want to improve the quality of our relationships we must be willing to look at ourselves to see where we are coming from. Do we think, “everyone is against me, all my relationships are bad, I can never catch a break?” Or, do we think, “I’m better off alone because no one is worth my time, everyone is crazy?” Or, do we think, “Im always alone, I can never meet anyone, no one would want to be with me like I am, I am too flawed?” Or, do we tend to think, “if I am really good and accommodating and do everything for my partner I can get him/her to never leave me?” This last one is very familiar! In my quest to get him to stay and never leave I didn’t realize I was losing myself in my relationships.
How about you? Do you relate to the above?
The way we think, the way we talk to ourselves, and the quality of our communication directly impacts the quality of our relationships, the dynamics of it and the response or reaction of others. But, the one thing I am focusing on here is losing oneself in a relationship.
Often, we tend to think, and I have done this countless times, that its not me, its them. Its quite shocking to think I have the power to negatively or positively impact all my relationships. But, alas, the truth is I do have that power. Not power over others, but power over myself, the way I behave, respond, react and communicate.
In the past I was always looking to get more out of people. I never took real responsibility for my choices or behaviors, hence, I mostly blamed others for it. I always was too forthcoming, too accommodating and too much of a giver and although I thought my intentions where good, they were not, because my actions were manipulative. My one intention was to get him to stay, to love me more, to want me more and in that process I never even took the time to get to know the real man . It was all just a tactic that came from one essential place.
What place is that do you think?
Its a place of lack. Feeling lack of self love, self acceptance, self worth. Having feelings and fear of abandonment and a fear of being alone. Although I thought that by doing this I would get more of everything else, what I was really doing without my knowledge is just losing myself all over again in all my relationships.
- Losing yourself means losing some very important things like perspective and feelings of self-worth.
- You get seriously upset and one argument can seriously ruin your entire week.
- You are constantly into your partner. They become the center of your life.
- You obsess over their behavior and try to change them.
- You have no sense of self and look to your other half to give you constant approval and acceptance.
- You have no boundaries or no limitations as to what you will do for them.
- No self care
- No self esteem
5 Ways to Stop Losing Yourself in Relationships:
- Use “I”statement instead of “We”
- Take time out to do something only you like. The key is you and alone time and something you enjoy. Keep it simple!
- Take time to learn more about yourself. Take a coaching course in self discovery.
- Say NO! No is a complete sentence.
- Organize to go out with a friend. The key here is to go out without your partner. You must have a life outside your relationship!
One last thing, we all have patterns of relating! When we can identify them and break them down then we can learn to choose different patterns more loving, accepting and healthier that bring us closer to ourselves and others.
I am offering coaching sessions where you will learn to identify your pattern of relating and improve the quality of your relationships!
If you know anyone is your circle who would be interested in my relationships coaching please pass this on to them. I would greatly appreciate it!