How do I know we’re compatible

When talking about romantic relationships its important to establish one of the more important attributes that makes relationships work. Is it chemistry? Or is it compatibility? It takes a lot to make a relationship work but one of the chief components of a successful partnership is compatibility and not chemistry as some would imagine. Here, we will examine why compatibility is more important than chemistry and how we can know if we’re compatible.

Often when meeting someone we like, we tend to focus solely on chemistry and physical attraction, mistaking chemistry for compatibility. Chemistry can be a powerful force, but it can also be misleading. We tend to focus on physical attraction and stay there, presuming that chemistry means everything else will fall in to place. I’ve heard a lot of people say to me, “if he likes me then he ‘ll do it. If he loves me enough he’ll do what I want and change.”  Does this sound familiar? This type of thinking can create on going conflict within the relationship that puts the couple at risk. The more this happens, higher are the chances of couples splitting up. If you’re not compatible the chemistry can sizzle out just as fast as it started and that can mean the end of your relationship. Ever wonder why your relationships only last a year or two? Well….

What we want is to see what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like. What is the foundation of a healthy relationship and what makes it ongoing, long term, intimate and loving? We all want these things for ourselves, but fall into the same old traps that bring us back to the same inevitable ending, “why do all my relationships fail? Why am I in the same place again and why am I single yet again? Why can’t one relationship work for me?

The truth is most of us think we know what compatibility is, based on our own criteria, but did you every wonder what if your criteria are wrong? What if you’ve been looking at the wrong signals all along? Lets take a look at a 3 important elements that are key in revealing whether or not you are compatible with your partner or partner to be.

We’ve established that chemistry is not enough and can be misleading. So, if compatibility is more important than chemistry, how can we tell we’re compatible? Firstly, your goals must be similar and align. You must have a common purpose and vision within your relationship. For example, if one of your long term goals is to have children and your love interest has stated clearly that he/she doesn’t want children, thinking that old belief pattern of “if he/she loves me he would” would be totally unrealistic, and not wanting to admit the truth and holding on to a fantasy is common.  It also means that you are not listening to your partners needs and wants which is another vital attribute of a successful relationship. Love is not “you would do it if you loved me”, Love is more like, “I hear you and accept you for who you are and what you choose,” but first, “I feel safe in knowing that I have chosen the right partner because we have similar goals”. Another example of having a similar purpose is when both parties agree that they will make a commitment to grow side by side within the relationship. This means they both are willing to look at their individual flaws and work on them for the evolution, transformation and growth of the relationship.

The second sign of compatibility is: Are you in the same place in your life that he or she is? This means, that if you’re looking at a 25 year old and you’re 35, divorced with two kids, then its obvious you’re not in the same place, which means you’re not compatible.  Pay attention at what phase of their life they are in and ask yourself can this really work? Being grounded in reality pays off more in the long run, rather than living in a fantasy world that romantic love means giving up everything for our loved one, and that they are the sole source of happiness, and moreover, that without them we can’t breathe and we’re going to die. A bit dramatic? Yes, but honestly, how many of us believe this! Deep down most of us think like this without even knowing it.

Lastly, communication. How do you communicate with others? How does your partner communicate with you? How do you resolve conflict? How does your partner resolve conflict? These are all questions that are important to be aware of.  Clear and simple communication is the best. Making a commitment that both parties will communicate their feelings in a clear and loving manner, can be something that works for some couples. Not screaming , or taking breaks when conflict and arguments arise, can be another commitment the couple makes between them. What ever your priorities and commitments within the relationship, being open , honest and willing will create more trust, more love, more happiness and acceptance for both of you.  The main reason why couples break up is bottom line, their needs are not being met and they are unhappy. We think that when we find another person things will be different, but that is simply untrue. What we as individuals bring into the relationship doesn’t change from person to person essentially. Meaning, that if we don’t look at ourselves and where we went wrong  in our present relationships, we will most likely make the same mistakes with someone else in future relationships.

Romance and Love have been so dis-formed and misled by the movie industry and social media that its time to set things right and understand that relationships are hard work, and having electric chemistry with someone doesn’t guarantee a long lasting loving relationship. The opposite is quite true. So, look for the right signs, and you’ll choose the right person.

About Christina Kyranis

A Relationship counselor and coach

I will always be interested in self-improvement and growth, for without them my soul will spiritually die. Mine is a journey of continually realizing my true self. My purpose is to help you reach the truest version of yourself. "Success in any endeavor depends on the degree to which it is an expression of your true self." Ralph Marston

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