One of the things I come across in relationship coaching is that what people really crave the most are connection and intimacy, but often don’t know how to get it or better yet, don’t even know that they need it.
Couples are misguided by their own limiting beliefs and stories in their heads. We all have a story, but the story we make up in our head can greatly limit our actual experience by not allowing ourselves to have something thats freely available.
We complicate ideas in our minds so much so that it blocks us from experiencing real happiness, joy, real connection and closeness. Togetherness.
Our mind is often the enemy. It doesn’t understand the language of feelings and the heart. It only understands constructs, beliefs and thoughts. It takes an experience and makes it mean something that it isn’t. It generalizes. It doesn’t understand newness, different experiences mean feeling different. When we choose something different it perceives it as a threat. Thats were habit comes in. Your brain knows habit well. An activity that’s repeated daily.
That’s were resistance often comes up, especially when I’m working with a client and we’ve introduced a new way of looking at something or doing something, like trying to introduce a new habit. Here, the mind will resist because its unfamiliar. Its a normal human reaction, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay there. The mind is extraordinary and if we ‘ve trained it to believe and do one thing, then we can re train it to think and do another.
The same goes with learning to better connect with our partners and lovers. The key to closeness is intimacy. If a couple doesn’t have intimacy, their connection is frail to say the least. They will often feel that something they can’t quite put their finger on is missing. Some, will go and search for that elusive something elsewhere only to find that the same pattern emerges time and time again.
Our intention most of the time is connection. Is it not?
So, how can we get what we want the most?
By re learning and re programming our brain.
How does a habit form?
If you repeat a thought or an activity long enough your brain will start to believe its a norm. Thats the wonderful capacity of our minds that we so often miss.
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is your capacity to allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable means opening up and allowing your partner to have a glimpse of your inner world. Its a simple process but not an easy one. People are terrified of intimacy and vulnerability. When they think of those two words feelings that come up are fear, intense fear. The fear is usually about judgement and rejection.
“If I let him/her see the real me, then they will leave, and if they leave that means I am worthless, hopeless….” Please fill in the blank for yourself.
How to achieve intimacy
- Be nurturing
- Be vulnerable
- Practice honesty
- Practice completion
- Be in the present moment
- Take initiative
Also, I try to remind my clients that no one is perfect or has perfectly achieved these concepts within their relationship. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. So, when I say the relationship is frail with no intimacy it doesn’t mean that its not salvageable.
There is always room for change and improvement. First thing that is needed is willingness and openness. If you have these two you have a pretty good foundation to start with.
Its important for couples to be on the same page about their relationship goals. If both are willing to make it work thats a really positive sign. If not, then thats also ok. Not every relationship you have is meant to work out. Some are lessons.
I always say learn the lesson and be thankful for it. Its in your greatest interest!
So, even if you’ve just visited this blog and are reading right now, you’ve probably just introduced your brain to something new and that can hopefully open up a whole new world for you and your relationship.