When I got married 17 years ago I thought I had accomplished my life’s purpose, which was to have a family, kids and a loving husband which would be the center of my universe. I thought I was going to be great at it! Little did I know what life had in store for me. I got married at 29, had my first child at 30, a little girl, suffered from postpartum depression for a while, with no support around me. It felt like one of the most loneliest times of my life. Things continued to go down hill from there. My marriage started to fall apart three years later, I had an affair, went back to my husband, had another child with the blinding expectation and hope that it would somehow save my marriage. Those times are difficult to remember, and more difficult to talk about. It wasn’t till later when I realized, 9 months after my son was born, that nothing had changed and that I was still deeply unhappy and dissatisfied. After we separated I began to feed an addiction which helped me cope and escape my reality just fine. I got a divorce and hit rock bottom, in November of 2018. The day of my rock bottom was the first day of the rest of my life.
My life looks and feels much different today, and I have my family, community and a fellowship to thank for that, and so many people that have inspired me and taught me along the way. I also have myself to thank. Somewhere along my journey I realized that I had begun to value myself, believe in myself and take care of myself. I began to take fulfilling and positive action which brought me personal power, self esteem, peace and serenity. For the first time in my entire life I started feeling that I deserved more. I deserved to be taken care of, I deserved love and acceptance. I deserved to put myself first and go after the things that I longed for, that I never believed I could have in the past. I secretly made a commitment to myself, that never again would I allow myself to choose less than in any way, be it unhealthy relationships, negative self talk, judgement of myself and others. I had put in so much time, effort and dedication in my recovery that there was no way I would allow myself to get lost again! These were values that I would never compromise again.
This is what real commitment looks like to me today. Its a choice we make after experiencing hardship and coming out the other side re born. Real commitment is a conscious choice that I will take action every day for the bettering of myself , my family and my recovery. Relationships can be regarded in much the same way. Bare with me, Ill explain.
In a serious, long term romantic relationship there are always three entities. One individual, the other individual and the couple, which symbolizes “the relationship” which we all agree is the coming together of two people. In a consciously healthy relationship two people make a commitment to work towards the highest good of the relationship. What does this mean? It means that both parties are willing and open to empathetic listening, striving to meet each others needs and wants to the best of each others ability. The relationship is the center of everything else. Its a source of comfort, understanding, support, love and care. Each party understands the others need for independence, the need to detach or to be alone sometimes. They don’t feel threatened by these things because they are secure within themselves.
It took me a long time to learn what real love and commitment are but I am so grateful that I’ve been given the chance to learn and give back to others. I’ve gone through some tough times but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have come to see that there is gold in all of the muck. There is opportunity in every struggle, there is a silver lining in all hardship. When I allow myself to see the lesson in every situation my experience changes and I am given a second chance at life to do better.