“Actions speak louder than words,” friends used to tell her but she didn’t want to believe them. This didn’t apply to Peter. He loved her. He wanted her.
She needed to make a change in her life. This couldn’t go on. She had to make a choice, and since it was becoming obvious that he was entirely comfortable with their set up as it was, she knew that at some point she would have to stop seeing him. He wasn’t good for her and this relationship was going no where. Soon she started to accept that he wasn’t true to her. He wasn’t authentic. He was playing her to his advantage. He sounded so genuine sometimes, but his actions said something entirely different.
He wanted her when it suited him and when he was done with her he wanted her to go.
Years passed as their relationship went from cold to hot, from seeing each other to nothing. Long periods of time would pass where Eve would finally think that she was rid of him, that it was over, but soon enough, out of the blue he would reappear with a text or an email.
One time, he had sent her an email inviting her to his sisters birthday party. Brilliant she thought, he invited her to a party that meant that he cares, he still wants her.
Throughout the whole party he completely ignored her. Right at the end he casually came up to her, bent down to her, and asked her how she’s doing.
“How are you? he asked as he crouched down beside her.
“Im fine, and you? Great party Peter by the way.” She said.
“Yeah, it was pretty good wasn’t it?” I wanted to ask you if you would like to come up to my place after. A bunch of us are going to my house, and you can join if you want.”
Her mind raced. She hesitated for a second, then said, “Yeah sure, I’ll come for a bit.”
Spending the night there turned out to be a complete disaster for her the next day. She finally got home in the afternoon, completely forgetting her children and husband. Things were becoming out of hand. She sensed this but chose to ignore it. Her relationship with Peter was becoming a kind of obsession. She couldn’t accept the truth and tried at every moment to get him, to see him, to talk to him , to get some kind of connection and attention from him. Even negative attention was still attention for her. She didn’t care. All she cared about was seeing him again.
She decided to text him the very chance she got. He hadn’t texted her, and she was becoming incredibly impatient. How could he just ignore her, after the sex they had the previous night.
She began to pester him, and ask him for explanations as to why he hadn’t contacted her, and why he was being so distant, and why he ignored her and how could he not contact her after the previous night. She also began to insult him, shift blame and shame towards him, especially when she didn’t get the answers she wanted. He got very upset. He asked her to stop. But she wouldn’t. She couldn’t even if she wanted to.
He warned her : “If you don’t stop sending these messages Eve, I will have to block you, you’re acting crazy.”
Still she persisted. Then, he blocked her. Everything stopped for her.
That was like a kick to her stomach. Physically she felt sick. She had a physical reaction to him blocking her. She couldn’t breathe as she fell to the ground and began to sob uncontrollably.
Soon after the affair ended, Eve realized exactly what was happening to her. With help she realized that her relationship with Pete, was an addictive one. Although she thought it was love, it actually was far from it. She realized that she really didn’t know what love was within a relationship and that she had much work to do on herself.
One thing she learned was that in addictive relationships there is no trust, no respect, no intimacy and no honesty. Everything is built on lies and fantasy. There is only need, urgency and longing. The need to satiate desires. It is much like addicts behave. The addict will do anything to get his fix. Addictive relationships are much the same. Partners will do anything to get their fix. In such cases, the person becomes their drug. Seeing them, serves to feed their addiction to the said person. The sex then, often becomes the epitome of that high within the relationship. For Eve, this was the case. She didn’t care how he treated her, all she wanted was to see him.
The roots of abusive, toxic, addictive relationships stem from unresolved childhood trauma. Eve, found through therapy that this was the case for her.
Often children who suffer emotional, physical or sexual abuse usually run into and out of these types of relationships in adulthood. Often these relationships are referred to as the trauma bond.
In order to break the trauma bond, there are therapeutic techniques and programs one can follow. In severe cases when people suffer from complex PTSD, there exists a therapy called EMDR therapy. Here, you relive your traumatic and triggering experiences, while the therapists directs your eye movements.
Psychotherapy is another form of therapy one can pursue in order to heal from their past trauma.
Whatever, the case may be, the goal is to heal from past trauma in order to be able to choose healthier partners. Partners who are not abusive. In order to achieve this, however, one must uncover their past, work on themselves, and lastly, come to love , accept and trust themselves enough so that they may experience healthier and happier relationships that will improve their lives as whole.